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Firewall

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Firewall-kingtut

Wham, BLAM, thank you ma'am.

Firewall is Michelle LaChance, a member of the G.I. Joe team working for Mainframe. She's a hot hacker chick with fetish-pigtails and no discernible military skills, requiring her to be rescued frequently. She can often be found tied up and half naked.

When she's not hacking into her superior officer's online personals accounts, she likes watching bad television.

Look, Duke, forget all about the Serpentor business. In fact, forget about your date with that redhead you met on MyPlace.com. Sorry, like I said... I'm a hacker.

—Firewall is a most serious-minded individual

Fiction

Devil's Due G.I. Joe vs. the Transformers continuity

Firewall mug

Sadly, she was too old for Kiss Players.

Firewall was among the Joe team members temporarily stationed at Area 52 in the New Mexico desert, when an Autobot contingent arrived for an inspection visit. Mainframe yelled at her for having a coffee mug on her desk. The Art of War issue 1

When Cobra attacked and set the Serpent O.R. bio-android loose, the android attacked the research lab, seeking the means to travel to Cybertron. Firewall blasted the android right in the face, but to her chagrin did no damage. Serpent O.R. spared her only because of her youth. The Art of War issue 2

Later, she helped Mainframe prepare a warp gate to send a heavy team of G.I. Joes to Cybertron, to back up the Autobot resistance there. The Art of War issue 4

After Hawk resigned from G.I. Joe in the wake of the Serpent O.R. debacle, Firewall joined him to aid the Autobots in reclaiming rogue Cybertronian technology from human hands. She spent her spare time chatting with Prowl and watching sports and reality TV with Eject in the Autobots' undersea space craft, the Arc II. When the Pretender Monsters broke into the ship and attacked, Eject managed to get her to safety (and without giving her the bends, no mean feet from hundreds of feet below the ocean.) Cosmos picked her up; together they headed for Tibet to help Optimus Prime and Hawk. En route, she hacked into G.I. Joe communications and pleaded with Duke to send the Joes to help out Hawk. Black Horizon issue 1

Firewall-awyeah

Don't try to pretend you didn't love this. It just makes you a liar and a lecher.

Landing in Tibet, Cosmos and Firewall started looking for their friends, but Firewall was promptly dragged beneath the snow and captured by the Yeti. She was dressed up in a rather revealing costume and chained to a wall; Dr. Mindbender arrived and informed her that she was to be sacrificed in honor of Unicron.

Cobra-La moved her to a ceremonial space, where Golobulus was prepared to kill her until the arrival of Optimus Prime cut the ceremony short. Hawk started to free her, which was like, totally sweet and all, except only then Hawk got himself all strangled by Golobulus -- but the creature was soon put in his place by Optimus Prime.

After Unicron's defeat, Firewall was relieved to learn that Prowl and the others would recover from the Pretender Monsters' attack; she invited Optimus Prime to join her and Eject to watch some bad TV. The weary Autobot leader decided he'd like that. Black Horizon issue 2

Notes

  • Firewall is one extreme-sport away from being a 90s cliche.

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